Are You Pretending

“Have you ever kept a secret from your husband?” The teacher asked and the words stood out to Laura like bold red print on a black and white page. They shook her from the careful mask of respective listening that she always put on at the Ladies Bible Study that she attended each week. She glanced quickly at the other women in the room almost expecting them to be looking at her.

Of course no eyes were turned her way but still she felt suddenly exposed in the small group. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair and looked up at the clock on the wall. There was still at least half an hour before she could politely leave.

Laura spent a good part of each weekly session watching the clock and gauging when it would be possible to slip out without appearing to be “leaving early”. Just as she had spent most of the morning considering possible excuses that she could offer for not attending.

It wasn’t that she really hated coming. The close group of women who participated in the study were warm and welcoming, one or the other of them always checked in with her sometime during the week to make sure that she was coming. They seemed to genuinely like her. And she knew that it pleased her husband to have her join the group, he had said so often. He usually asked her in the evening about that day’s study.

Laura didn’t have the heart to tell her husband that she felt terribly out of place among the women in the study. How could she explain how they all seemed to have something to say at the right time and they all seemed to understand what the teacher was sharing. And how could she tell him that she didn’t understand – not any of it?

Married for less than a year, Laura had known that her husband was a Christian and she had always considered herself to be one as well. She had grown up in her parent’s church; she had attended Sunday school with her brothers. If she were honest with herself, she had began to suspect that their “definitions” of being a Christian were different as they went through the pre-wedding sessions with his Pastor. The language was different from what she was used to; there was intensity in every area of the church that she had never experienced before. But, she was madly in love and just as she had pretended interest in his sports and other hobbies, she smiled brightly when he spoke about his relationship with Jesus.

Sure that no one had noticed her reaction; Laura put her listening expression back on her face and allowed her thoughts to wander away from the teacher’s words again. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the woman who led the study; she seemed very kind and friendly. Laura could see that the other ladies enjoyed the teaching. For herself, at the very first session she attended she had felt like she had accidentally dropped into an advanced language course when she should have been in remedial course.

It wasn’t much different in church on Sunday or at home when her husband encouraged her to join him for a morning devotion. But by the time she realized how little she understood, she worried that her husband would think that she had been dishonest about her faith.

One message that she had grasped on a Sunday morning had been the one in which their Pastor talked about people who “play church” but really have no idea about Christianity. She had felt certain that the Pastor was talking to her alone. She had felt sure that the Pastor would come talk to her after the message and ask her to admit that she was a fake before the whole church. Of course he didn’t, but she had never quite felt comfortable around him since. A nagging fear began to grow in Laura from that day, fear of exposure. So she continued to smile brightly and nod in agreement when anyone talked to her about God. Hoping all the time that they wouldn’t ask any questions that she would not know the answer to.

“Have you ever remained silent when you should have spoken up?” The teacher asked, her words grabbing Laura’s attention again. Rattled, she glanced back up at the clock and wished that the minutes would pass more quickly.
Father God, please help me to be genuine in my faith or lack of it. Help me to find the courage to be myself and let others know where I stand. Help me to ask questions if I have questions and not be afraid of looking silly or ignorant. Help me to know You Lord. Draw me into a true relationship with you at last. In Jesus Name, Amen.